Meeting "Jack" in the middle...

"Jack" is an anonymous blogger I met through a friend's blog... he is a DC lawyer transforming his life to one of "voluntary simplicity" - I've met several kindred spirits in my life, and I feel that he might be one... A true friend, in some strange, spiritual way.

As he is downsizing his life and considering his budget, I am looking to grow from the modest life I have always known. I insist on Freedom and Independence, so this growth has been challenging. I've relied on the assistance of family and occasionally on friends, and although I'm not thrilled with this level of "dependence", it has allowed me the life as a single, stay at home mother for Claire, and this I will never regret.

I have never budgeted... since I was a little girl, I've heard my mother saying "God will provide" and even recently, after her house flooded with Hurricane Ike - first time in 37 years - my mother laughed about the challenges. I know this is where I get it... I don't know if my mother's positive attitude is sincere, as I cannot see into her heart... my own positive attitude is sincere. No matter how rough life gets, I've managed to maintain a certain level of confidence, knowing "this too shall pass"... sure, I've been in places so dark and challenging to my sense of integrity that I've said out-loud "God - Help me or Kill me!" --- and then, I laugh again... Denial? Yes, perhaps...

As I heard my mother say long ago, the expenses always outweigh the income... so budgeting on paper never seems to work. The money just seems to materialize and everything gets paid. I think my mother used credit cards to make up the slack in the past... I tried credit cards in the past as well... never worked well for me...

So, considering what would make most sense for my chosen lifestyle, I started thinking about massage therapy again. I was first licensed in 1999 and then let my license go in 2003 when I was pregnant with Claire. I didn't realize how easily I could reactivate my license - all I needed to do was reapply and take the computerized exam of 150 questions. I reapplied in July and studied my old textbook and free online sites... I went to Houston to spend time with family and help one special friend pack for a move... I stayed with this friend and was grateful for the last (only?) chance of peaceful study while Claire stayed at my mother's. I took the exam fully prepared to put this goal of being a licensed massage therapist on hold while I paid for study material... I left it to the Hands of God/ Fate and thought if I don't pass, perhaps it's not meant to be. To my Surprise and Astonishment, I passed! --- and the time spent with my friend was the best celebration ever!

Fine dining breakfast, lunch and dinner - he treated me like a queen! :-) Not hard to get used to that kind of lifestyle... but I know I could be happy with a lot less than he provided. The companionship is what I enjoyed most of all... this Friend I knew so long ago in my past had come back to life in my present... a fantasy I've never been able to forget, and the time we shared was beautiful and so much more real than we ever shared before. A true friendship was established, I think... and a "who knows?" remains for a future between us...

When I was married to Claire's father, we fought about money and he called me a Gold Digger because of how quickly a disability settlement from social security slipped through our hands. Neither William nor I were any good at managing money, and I most resented him blaming me entirely for our financial status. We met and married when I was a full time college student and I agreed to move to his South Texas citrus farm, where his family built a house for him. We shared the love of companionship and lack of focus on materialism, or so I thought... In truth, there were external issues that stressed our young married to the point of no return, and we married too quickly to establish a good foundation. I knew the marriage was over when he continuously referred to me as a "Gold Digger"... I felt like William didn't see Me at all... that I didn't matter, and it hurt me to the core... My sister once told him on the phone "You don't know Cynthia at all... She'd be happy under a bridge with the one she loves."

I am trying to learn how to build my finances and manage them appropriately for the lifestyle I have chosen. I love the amount of time I have with my family - which at this point includes Claire. Sure, Audrey is in my family, but sadly, it feels as extended as the rest of my family... I love her so much, but Audrey is at another place in her life... connecting more with her father, stepmother and twin siblings who are 10 years old than she is connecting with Claire and me. It has been THE most challenging process for me in this life... to lose my child. If I had maintained a certain level of money, I'm sure she would have stayed with me... maybe not... this is a temptation for me, but one I deny for the love of spending time with Claire. It's not that I chose one daughter over another... Audrey chose to try the lifestyle of her father and step-mother, with a big house and a nanny... and a lot of freedom from her parents who both work out of the house... and as a teenager, she likes it a lot. Claire was just 1 year old when Audrey made this decision and still is young enough at 4 years old to need me in more practical ways than Audrey does at 15. In truth, I believe that teenagers need their parents' attention just as much as younger children, in some ways, more so, but this is not something I can control... (sigh) I just try not to worry too much as I work towards a position of enough financial stability that would allow for the support of Audrey if she ever needed/ wanted to move back in with me. --- Not an easy thing to plan for...

So, I'm back to wondering how to budget... I'm trying to grow my finances while keeping my spending habits low. I nickle and dime myself to death, especially when I'm stressed... but otherwise I have the ability to be satisfied with very little.

I work as a live-in morning and evening personal care attendant for a 24 year old girl with cerebral palsy and a developmental delay to that of a 3 - 6 year old child. I've been here since late February when I sought to consolidate my exhausting schedule of five different church nurseries while bartering for rent in a 3rd floor luxury apartment with assisting the traveling landlords with their housekeeping and laundry. Expenses were paid, and Claire was always with me, but I was exhausted, so I posted an ad on Craigslist and the mother of this special needs girl found me. I was certainly hesitant, since my love of freedom and spontaneity reigns... but I fell in love with the place and the people, the girl and her parents, and with the idea that Audrey would be welcome to move in with us. Audrey actually considered the idea while visiting me a few weeks after we moved in during her Spring Break... but this fantasy vanished as soon as Audrey was with her step-mother again. (Yes, I'm definitely jealous... and struggle to be at peace - lately having a lot more success) As my sister imagined, "You live in a post card?" --- It's true. I love it... the tranquility of these 11 acres in the hill country is outstanding, and I will remember it always... indeed, I may choose to live in this area a long time, but after my vacation, and reconnecting with my friend, sharing romance again reminded me what I miss most. I decided that I would be moving on in March 2009, having committed a year that the family initially requested. I found an early opportunity to verbalize this notice in September when the mother was preparing to take her daughter to an appointment with the neurologist. I am sad for this mother's disappointment, having found someone like me who truly cares for her daughter as I would my own child. But I need My Life again...

Then again, This is My Life... I was free to choose this chapter, and am blessed with the ability to choose whatever the next chapter will entail. I have less than 5 months before moving, and I have no firm plans. I've picked myself up and moved on with less preparation than I have now, but I'm hoping to take advantage of these months. I am building my massage client base slowly and will start adding housekeeping gigs to my schedule with one family next week (2 days at $100/ week) and another scheduled to begin in December (1 day at $60) and increase in January (2 days at $100/ week). I'm no longer working childcare for Sunday church services and plan to start attending Live Oak Unitarian Universalist Church where my oldest friend, since I was a teenager, is one of the ministers. Moments for myself like these are important, and I'm glad to make room for them. I'm also hoping to join a knitting group with the Austin Mamas...

Music is important to me... a singer and pianist, I hope to afford an 88-weighted keyboard in the near future in order to practice music with Claire and maybe, just maaaybe perform for people someday...

I like having the freedom to dream! --- ok, not like I can really afford these dreams, but I think it's very important to work towards what I want in this life. I like the old adage "If you want to be a writer, write... if you want to be a singer, sing!" --- Just Be what you want to be... no matter who you are, where you are... I'm glad to know this now, and I hope I always have friends around to remind me if I ever forget.