Hansel and Gretel

I'm going from memory here... Hansel and Gretel left home and dropped bread crumbs as they ventured out into the woods. They came upon a beautiful house made of candy and began to eat it. A witch came out of the house and tied them up and fattened them up for her stew...

twisted fairy tale, I really should look up the real version... I can't remember how it ends... likely a couple of variations...

I read an article this morning about how the weight gain or lack of weight gain during pregnancy affects the adult offspring... lack of weight gain supposedly leads to heavier adults... seems really strange to me. And the article ends with a gloomy perspective of obesity being close to impossible to cure... http://health.nytimes.com/ref/health/healthguide/esn-obesity-ess.html

I hate this contention which seems to portray the idea that no matter what you do (eating/ exercise) - none of this makes a difference for health. Yes, genetics play a part, but so do the toxins the FDA allows into the food supply. I didn't notice that the study included anyone outside the US, and I am highly suspicious of Rockefeller University because of the conspiracies related to the founder. I don't trust the integrity of studies like this.

In my own family, there are 6 daughters, and 2 of my sisters have struggled with weight issues. My younger sister was thin until our father died when she was 8 years old. She is 10 years younger than I am, and my mother was instantly a single parent. She ate for comfort and my little sister, I assume, followed along. I'm sure that my mother's eating habits were about the same for each of her pregnancies. When my little sister was young, we were just learning about growth hormones in the meat and dairy products.

There are several factors that lead to weight challenges and even obesity, including depression, but more certainly the FDA Frankenfood like high fructose corn syrup, which I have heard from my mother, cannot be metabolized by the body. I hope to learn more about healthy nutrition and not just lean organic by gut instinct... several years ago, I decided I wanted to be able to read the ingredient labels. The complicated list of chemical names caused me a lot of concern.

So, Montsanto's genetically modified foods is really quite scarey. Does anyone wonder the correlation between rising obesity and these unnatural food sources?

What do the Puppetmasters hope to achieve with a fat and happy society? --- Hmmmm, I wonder. The population is easier to control when they are weaker physically and mentally.

I don't really trust any of the politicians... Obama seems so much like the Pied Piper... I remain very suspicious of what challenges this country will face. I don't know if there is a better place to live, but other countries aren't bound by the ridiculous regulations of the FDA which has banned labeling of GMO foods... Europeans seem to have remained healthier than Americans. There's something to this, I'm sure, and I will learn more.

Keep your eyes and ears open when you're tasting of the "fruit"...

Meeting "Jack" in the middle...

"Jack" is an anonymous blogger I met through a friend's blog... he is a DC lawyer transforming his life to one of "voluntary simplicity" - I've met several kindred spirits in my life, and I feel that he might be one... A true friend, in some strange, spiritual way.

As he is downsizing his life and considering his budget, I am looking to grow from the modest life I have always known. I insist on Freedom and Independence, so this growth has been challenging. I've relied on the assistance of family and occasionally on friends, and although I'm not thrilled with this level of "dependence", it has allowed me the life as a single, stay at home mother for Claire, and this I will never regret.

I have never budgeted... since I was a little girl, I've heard my mother saying "God will provide" and even recently, after her house flooded with Hurricane Ike - first time in 37 years - my mother laughed about the challenges. I know this is where I get it... I don't know if my mother's positive attitude is sincere, as I cannot see into her heart... my own positive attitude is sincere. No matter how rough life gets, I've managed to maintain a certain level of confidence, knowing "this too shall pass"... sure, I've been in places so dark and challenging to my sense of integrity that I've said out-loud "God - Help me or Kill me!" --- and then, I laugh again... Denial? Yes, perhaps...

As I heard my mother say long ago, the expenses always outweigh the income... so budgeting on paper never seems to work. The money just seems to materialize and everything gets paid. I think my mother used credit cards to make up the slack in the past... I tried credit cards in the past as well... never worked well for me...

So, considering what would make most sense for my chosen lifestyle, I started thinking about massage therapy again. I was first licensed in 1999 and then let my license go in 2003 when I was pregnant with Claire. I didn't realize how easily I could reactivate my license - all I needed to do was reapply and take the computerized exam of 150 questions. I reapplied in July and studied my old textbook and free online sites... I went to Houston to spend time with family and help one special friend pack for a move... I stayed with this friend and was grateful for the last (only?) chance of peaceful study while Claire stayed at my mother's. I took the exam fully prepared to put this goal of being a licensed massage therapist on hold while I paid for study material... I left it to the Hands of God/ Fate and thought if I don't pass, perhaps it's not meant to be. To my Surprise and Astonishment, I passed! --- and the time spent with my friend was the best celebration ever!

Fine dining breakfast, lunch and dinner - he treated me like a queen! :-) Not hard to get used to that kind of lifestyle... but I know I could be happy with a lot less than he provided. The companionship is what I enjoyed most of all... this Friend I knew so long ago in my past had come back to life in my present... a fantasy I've never been able to forget, and the time we shared was beautiful and so much more real than we ever shared before. A true friendship was established, I think... and a "who knows?" remains for a future between us...

When I was married to Claire's father, we fought about money and he called me a Gold Digger because of how quickly a disability settlement from social security slipped through our hands. Neither William nor I were any good at managing money, and I most resented him blaming me entirely for our financial status. We met and married when I was a full time college student and I agreed to move to his South Texas citrus farm, where his family built a house for him. We shared the love of companionship and lack of focus on materialism, or so I thought... In truth, there were external issues that stressed our young married to the point of no return, and we married too quickly to establish a good foundation. I knew the marriage was over when he continuously referred to me as a "Gold Digger"... I felt like William didn't see Me at all... that I didn't matter, and it hurt me to the core... My sister once told him on the phone "You don't know Cynthia at all... She'd be happy under a bridge with the one she loves."

I am trying to learn how to build my finances and manage them appropriately for the lifestyle I have chosen. I love the amount of time I have with my family - which at this point includes Claire. Sure, Audrey is in my family, but sadly, it feels as extended as the rest of my family... I love her so much, but Audrey is at another place in her life... connecting more with her father, stepmother and twin siblings who are 10 years old than she is connecting with Claire and me. It has been THE most challenging process for me in this life... to lose my child. If I had maintained a certain level of money, I'm sure she would have stayed with me... maybe not... this is a temptation for me, but one I deny for the love of spending time with Claire. It's not that I chose one daughter over another... Audrey chose to try the lifestyle of her father and step-mother, with a big house and a nanny... and a lot of freedom from her parents who both work out of the house... and as a teenager, she likes it a lot. Claire was just 1 year old when Audrey made this decision and still is young enough at 4 years old to need me in more practical ways than Audrey does at 15. In truth, I believe that teenagers need their parents' attention just as much as younger children, in some ways, more so, but this is not something I can control... (sigh) I just try not to worry too much as I work towards a position of enough financial stability that would allow for the support of Audrey if she ever needed/ wanted to move back in with me. --- Not an easy thing to plan for...

So, I'm back to wondering how to budget... I'm trying to grow my finances while keeping my spending habits low. I nickle and dime myself to death, especially when I'm stressed... but otherwise I have the ability to be satisfied with very little.

I work as a live-in morning and evening personal care attendant for a 24 year old girl with cerebral palsy and a developmental delay to that of a 3 - 6 year old child. I've been here since late February when I sought to consolidate my exhausting schedule of five different church nurseries while bartering for rent in a 3rd floor luxury apartment with assisting the traveling landlords with their housekeeping and laundry. Expenses were paid, and Claire was always with me, but I was exhausted, so I posted an ad on Craigslist and the mother of this special needs girl found me. I was certainly hesitant, since my love of freedom and spontaneity reigns... but I fell in love with the place and the people, the girl and her parents, and with the idea that Audrey would be welcome to move in with us. Audrey actually considered the idea while visiting me a few weeks after we moved in during her Spring Break... but this fantasy vanished as soon as Audrey was with her step-mother again. (Yes, I'm definitely jealous... and struggle to be at peace - lately having a lot more success) As my sister imagined, "You live in a post card?" --- It's true. I love it... the tranquility of these 11 acres in the hill country is outstanding, and I will remember it always... indeed, I may choose to live in this area a long time, but after my vacation, and reconnecting with my friend, sharing romance again reminded me what I miss most. I decided that I would be moving on in March 2009, having committed a year that the family initially requested. I found an early opportunity to verbalize this notice in September when the mother was preparing to take her daughter to an appointment with the neurologist. I am sad for this mother's disappointment, having found someone like me who truly cares for her daughter as I would my own child. But I need My Life again...

Then again, This is My Life... I was free to choose this chapter, and am blessed with the ability to choose whatever the next chapter will entail. I have less than 5 months before moving, and I have no firm plans. I've picked myself up and moved on with less preparation than I have now, but I'm hoping to take advantage of these months. I am building my massage client base slowly and will start adding housekeeping gigs to my schedule with one family next week (2 days at $100/ week) and another scheduled to begin in December (1 day at $60) and increase in January (2 days at $100/ week). I'm no longer working childcare for Sunday church services and plan to start attending Live Oak Unitarian Universalist Church where my oldest friend, since I was a teenager, is one of the ministers. Moments for myself like these are important, and I'm glad to make room for them. I'm also hoping to join a knitting group with the Austin Mamas...

Music is important to me... a singer and pianist, I hope to afford an 88-weighted keyboard in the near future in order to practice music with Claire and maybe, just maaaybe perform for people someday...

I like having the freedom to dream! --- ok, not like I can really afford these dreams, but I think it's very important to work towards what I want in this life. I like the old adage "If you want to be a writer, write... if you want to be a singer, sing!" --- Just Be what you want to be... no matter who you are, where you are... I'm glad to know this now, and I hope I always have friends around to remind me if I ever forget.

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Marianna, Kahlil's Sister. Painting by Kahlil Gibran

Starting Point

Who I Am - a single mother, a licensed massage therapist, a live-in personal attendant, a musician, a thinker, someone who feels passionately - joy and sorrow, a wandering spirit

Some Things I love - sunrises, rolling hills, crashing waves, tranquility, poetry, passion, being completely overwhelmed in life and in love, being present, feeling, smiling, dancing with Him, singing with Her, snuggling, hot baths, massage, pink lip gloss, pearl earrings, flower dresses, avocados, boiled blue crab and shrimp, pistachios, sushi, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, globes, lighthouses, full moons, elephants, kangaroos, animal charades, circular rainbows, memories, sunsets, starry nights in the hill country

I love that I am creative enough as a single parent to stay at home with my young daughter. After first moving to Austin, Texas in early 2006, I took a full time administrative position at a mortgage company while my one year old daughter was cared for by at-home providers. There were three different caregivers before I was laid off a year after accepting the job. I was completely exhausted and while the income was better than I'd ever received, little remained after paying all the bills. I took a position as an overnight shift clerk at a CVS Pharmacy - something I had been curious about for awhile. I'm glad I tried it, because now I know how much it Sucks! --- Claire was nearly two years old when I took the position at CVS and we were living at a studio garage apartment. I napped while Claire watched television/ movies and colored on the walls of the apartment... I lasted a couple of months before moving on to providing part time childcare at more than one church and assisting a friend with her pet-sitting business.

Scrambling for money is my way of life. No, it's not really what I enjoy, but I prefer it to the option of having someone else raise my child. I love being a mother. I loved being Audrey's mother, very attached until she decided to move in with her father and step-mother when she was twelve (a few years ago)... Audrey wanted to see what money and comfort was all about. I couldn't blame her, and since I've never seen her as my possession, I supported her decision. This decision was made at perhaps my most challenging chapter in life... I had to focus my attention on Claire, who was just a year old at the time, and needed me more than Audrey did. I felt I provided Audrey with a strong foundation for twelve years... but her distance from me, her only mother, in the past few years, has certainly caused me great concern. We are still close and quite loving, but she is connecting with her peers and seems overly distracted from her relationship with me. It is her life, though, and I will always be here for Audrey when she needs me.

My life is important. Claire's life is important. As I keep in mind my individual goals, I support the goals of both of my daughters. I don't have a lot of money to support them, but rather an extraordinary amount of love and time. I find love and time to be more valuable than the things money can buy, and while my goal is to grow my finances, I have no regrets for the lifestyle choices I have made.

I intend this blog to be a way I am moving forward in my life as a woman and as a mother. There will be moments I will dip into the challenges I have survived in the past, but I hope to maintain positive expressions as I share my story.